I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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