Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
