I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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