I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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