Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Randomize