Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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