before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
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