just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
