I wanna bring you to show and tell
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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