I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
