new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I'm at about main and main street
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
