I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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