dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
