i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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