so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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