I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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