Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
