there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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