the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize