my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
