her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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