Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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