this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
