last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
God, you're like boner-b-gone
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
