i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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