Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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