Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
