'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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