She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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