we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
