Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
These tits shall not be calmed
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
