Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
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