I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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