Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
