In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Randomize
