apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
