Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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