I am in a vortex of obligation.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
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