At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Randomize
