i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
So many bounce houses so little time
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
