We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
