My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
