I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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