I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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