You made me cry and you don't even care
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
