never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
