Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
