Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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