wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
