this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
