I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
