Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
