shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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