i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
