someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
this just has baby written all over it
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Randomize
