Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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