and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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