Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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