there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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