i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Just pee around me
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
