at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize