we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
