Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize