I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
